Unhealthy eating habits, toxic relationships, people-pleasing, self-sabotage, overspending … Dysfunctional patterns show up in different ways for all of us. While for the lucky few awareness is enough to change these behaviours, many of us find ourselves trapped in a cycle, repeating the same mistakes despite our best efforts.
You may have tried sheer willpower, creating new habits, or even seeking professional help, but nothing seems to create sustainable change. This is because these behaviours are not just bad habits, but actually automatic survival responses created by your nervous system. Expecting to change them with willpower alone is like trying to redirect a river with your bare hands. It might work for a moment, but eventually, the water will revert to its natural course unless you alter the riverbed itself.
To create lasting change, we must understand why these patterns exist and how to rewire our nervous system for real transformation.
Dysfunctional patterns as nervous system defence mechanisms
To break free from dysfunctional patterns, we need to understand why we engage in them in the first place.
These behaviours often originate as subconscious defence mechanisms, formed to protect us from perceived threats.
From childhood through adulthood, our nervous system learns what it takes to stay safe. If we experience conditional love, emotional neglect, or unpredictable environments, our nervous system adapts to ensure our survival. It creates internal ‘rules’ and beliefs that dictate our behaviour without us even realising it, all with the aim of keeping us safe.
For example:
- If you grew up in a household where your emotional needs were ignored, you might learn to people-please in order to feel valued & hence safe.
- If you were bullied as a child, you might learn that visibility is a threat and so keep yourself small instead of following your dreams.
- If you associate love with struggle, you may repeatedly find yourself in toxic relationships that mirror past dynamics as healthy dynamics feel unfamiliar and dangerous.
Why is it so hard to change?
Breaking these patterns is so difficult because they are tied to one of our most powerful instincts: survival.
Imagine trying to hold your breath for as long as possible. No matter how much willpower you have, your body will eventually override your efforts and force you to breathe. In the same way, if your nervous system associates a dysfunctional behaviour with survival, it will instinctively pull you back to it, even when consciously you want to change.
The changes you try to make feel exhausting to maintain because you’re constantly trying to go against your survival mechanism. Instead, we must help our nervous system to establish a healthier pattern.
The secret to long term change
True transformation happens when healthier choices feel natural, rather than something we have to force. This requires us to break the association between the dysfunctional behaviours and a false sense of safety.
The key is to work with the nervous system, not against it. This involves:
- Resolving any stuck emotions and stress from past experiences
- Shifting subconscious beliefs formed through trauma
- Creating new associations of safety around healthier behaviours
- Developing new perspectives & gaining fresh insights from traumatic experiences
By addressing these root causes, we stop merely treating the symptoms and instead dissolve the patterns from their origin.
This process is best done with a trained practitioner to avoid re-traumatisation. However, here are some trauma informed ways you can begin working with your nervous system to shift your dysfunctional patterns:
Trauma-Informed Strategies to Break Dysfunctional Patterns
- Awareness & Understanding
Rather than judging yourself for repeating dysfunctional behaviours, approach your patterns with curiosity. Observe your reactions and ask yourself:
- What physical sensations and emotions arise when I engage in this behaviour?
- How do I feel when I try to resist it?
- What deeper need or fear am I trying to soothe?
This shifts you from self-blame to understanding & self-compassion, which is essential for long-term change. Self-judgement, on the other hand, reinforces shame which makes your nervous system feel unsafe. This can drive you deeper into the behaviour you’re trying to break.
- Safety & Nervous System Regulation
When you feel trapped in your dysfunctional patterns, your nervous system is in a state of dysregulation. The key to breaking free is learning how to return to a state of internal safety. This allows you to slow down, disengage from the default behaviour and instead choose a healthier response.
If you feel shut down (freeze response):
- You might find yourself avoiding tasks, zoning out, or over-scrolling on social media.
- To shift out of this, try activating techniques like fast exhales, physical movement, or energetically tapping your body.
If you feel overactivated (fight-or-flight response):
- This could manifest as anxiety, irritability, or restlessness.
- Use grounding techniques like slow, deep diaphragm breathing or anchoring – a technique where you recall (or make up) a memory of feeling safe and bring that sensation into the present moment, focusing on how it feels in your body.
- Action as Healing
Attempting radical, overnight changes often triggered resistance or self sabotage as our nervous system feels threatened. Instead of attempting drastic shifts, focus on small, consistent steps.
For example:
- If you struggle with emotional eating, instead of stopping completely, start with just one day where you swap emotional eating for a healthier coping mechanism like 5 minutes of yoga.
- If you lack assertiveness, practice saying ‘no’ to one small request.
By making gradual changes, your nervous system has time to adjust & create new neural pathways, slowly shifting the pattern.
Use the regulation techniques above when resistance arises to support your nervous system through the discomfort of change and remember to celebrate your small wins!
- Aligning Your Subconscious with Healthier Behaviours
If your desired change feels threatening to your nervous system, you will resist it. Visualisation can help manage that!
Your brain activates similar neural pathways whether you actually experience something or simply imagine it. By visualising yourself engaging in healthier behaviours you make the change feel safer & more comfortable, meaning you’re more likely to stick to it in real life.
Remember to focus on how the new change feels in your body (not just your mind) to strengthen the impact of your visualisation.
- Practicing Safety & Presence
Nervous system “resets” and somatic (body-based) exercises are all the hype on social media right now. While it’s simplistic to say they reset your nervous system or heal trauma, somatic practices can be a great way to build a sense of calm and safety.
Some helpful techniques include:
- Yoga and mindful movement-based practices
- Mindful walks in nature
- Daily body scans to tune into physical sensations
Integrating these into your routine helps your body process emotions rather than suppressing them, reducing your reliance on dysfunctional “defence” mechanisms.
Addressing the Root Cause: The Fast Track to Change
Many dysfunctional patterns originate from early trauma so addressing these traumatic imprints directly is often the fastest and most effective way to create lasting, embodied change.
This can involve:
- Trauma-informed therapy or coaching
- Somatic processing work
- Inner child healing
Working with a skilled practitioner ensures this process is safe and effective, without the risk of re-traumatisation. Not only are they able to provide guidance but most importantly act as a safety resource, creating a healing space for clients to process the trauma.
Ready to Break Free?
If you’re ready to break free from your dysfunctional patterns and want professional guidance, visit my ZenPass profile, Kamila Stopka, or book a free 20-minute consultation to see how I can help you.
Managing a wellness practice is incredibly rewarding, but the admin side can feel overwhelming. ZenPass GROW takes the hassle out of scheduling, client management, and growing your business—so you can focus on what you do best. Less paperwork, more purpose. Start your journey with us today.
True transformation is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone.
